Saturday, July 24, 2010

Somebody Save Us

A recent onslaught of news stories regarding animals in my local paper has gotten me a little concerned. It seems the animals are fighting back. Can this be? Here are the stories:

1. A camper sleeping in a lean-to wakes up face to face with a black bear. The bear proceeds to attack him and his screams alert his buddy in a near by tent. They manage to beat off the bear and get themselves to hospital for treatment. The one guy needs a skin graft to replace his missing scalp. Bear attacks on the island where I live just didn't happen until recently. There are two in recorded history. The other happened just last year when a man was cleaning some fish on his boat. A bear swam over to the dock where the boat was and climbed in the boat and proceeded to take on the surprised fisherman. He survived with injuries thanks to an army of nearby and courageous gaff wielding fellow anglers. This is a new phenomenon.

2. Off the coast of South Africa a whale leaps out of the water and lands on a sailing boat. Imagine being at the helm when that happens. A fluke mistake by the whale you say? Maybe not. What whale wouldn't know there was a boat near it?

3. A woman walking her dog in my city is chased by a female deer. She runs behind a pick-up truck for safety but the deer persists and whichever side of the pick-up she tries to go around the deer moves there to cut her off. Then the dog gets loose and the deer lays a butt kicking on it (apparently the domestic animals are not part of the international animal conspiracy).

The animal apologists always respond to these incidents by claiming that it is because we have moved into the animals territory and there is less and less room for them. Have these people ever gone for a drive in Canada? There's a heck of a lot of space out there with no humans in it, so explain to me why my city is inundated with deer. And it's not just here.

We've also got rabbits so thick at the local university that you can't walk in a straight line through the field in the middle of campus without stepping on one (sure they move out of the way at the last second, but they aren't very scared of us humans). And don't get me started on Canadian geese.

The real reason this is all happening is because we've gotten soft. The animals no longer fear us because we never do anything on an individual level to hurt them. Even the guy being attacked by the bear said that when he was able to get ahold of his knife he took it and hit the bear on the nose with the handle. He didn't stab the bear because that would be mean.

Now I'm not the guy to fix this problem because I'm a big softy too, but somebody needs to call in the army and put these animals back in their place, pronto.


  1. I totally agree. The animals must be taught a lesson. We're at the top of the food chain for a reason.

  2. Hmmmm.. The video didn't say where the deer attacking the dog was taken, however I would hazard to guess that it wasn't Fort McMurray Alberta!

    As a professional problem solver, here are my suggestions to these disturbing and puzzling problems: (except for the whale which was clearly a photoshopped picture)

    1. Teach our pets and children that anything bigger than you, and some smaller things too can hurt you. Note: Vicious bunnies DO exist (look at the bones, lad... LOOK AT THE BONES!!!)
    2. Enlist the help of the NRA to formulate legislation to allow people to carry and use firearms within city limits (simply a temporary measure, of course..just like income tax)
    3. Replace all signs that say "caution, deer crossing" with signs that say "Opportunity! deer crossing.
    4. Import wildcats like cougars and mountain lions into the city limits and give them comfy dens to live in on the university campus and near known "dangerous deer" locations.
    5. if all the other avenues fail, we will need to call in the Giraffes for help:

    This is just my professional opinion of course, others may feel differently. My own personal views may differ significantly.

  3. Guy, yes, it is true that we are at the top of the food chain...for now.

  4. We are the food chain!xelA.