Somebody Save Us

A recent onslaught of news stories regarding animals in my local paper has gotten me a little concerned. It seems the animals are fighting back. Can this be? Here are the stories:

1. A camper sleeping in a lean-to wakes up face to face with a black bear. The bear proceeds to attack him and his screams alert his buddy in a near by tent. They manage to beat off the bear and get themselves to hospital for treatment. The one guy needs a skin graft to replace his missing scalp. Bear attacks on the island where I live just didn't happen until recently. There are two in recorded history. The other happened just last year when a man was cleaning some fish on his boat. A bear swam over to the dock where the boat was and climbed in the boat and proceeded to take on the surprised fisherman. He survived with injuries thanks to an army of nearby and courageous gaff wielding fellow anglers. This is a new phenomenon.

2. Off the coast of South Africa a whale leaps out of the water and lands on a sailing boat. Imagine being at the helm when that happens. A fluke mistake by the whale you say? Maybe not. What whale wouldn't know there was a boat near it?

3. A woman walking her dog in my city is chased by a female deer. She runs behind a pick-up truck for safety but the deer persists and whichever side of the pick-up she tries to go around the deer moves there to cut her off. Then the dog gets loose and the deer lays a butt kicking on it (apparently the domestic animals are not part of the international animal conspiracy).

The animal apologists always respond to these incidents by claiming that it is because we have moved into the animals territory and there is less and less room for them. Have these people ever gone for a drive in Canada? There's a heck of a lot of space out there with no humans in it, so explain to me why my city is inundated with deer. And it's not just here.

We've also got rabbits so thick at the local university that you can't walk in a straight line through the field in the middle of campus without stepping on one (sure they move out of the way at the last second, but they aren't very scared of us humans). And don't get me started on Canadian geese.

The real reason this is all happening is because we've gotten soft. The animals no longer fear us because we never do anything on an individual level to hurt them. Even the guy being attacked by the bear said that when he was able to get ahold of his knife he took it and hit the bear on the nose with the handle. He didn't stab the bear because that would be mean.

Now I'm not the guy to fix this problem because I'm a big softy too, but somebody needs to call in the army and put these animals back in their place, pronto.

They Are AWESOME!

I enjoyed one of the planet's greatest culinary inventions today. Mini-Donuts! Why aren't these delights more readily available is what I'm wondering. Heck, what other food has both the entertainment of the mini-donut machine as the donuts are being made and then the yummy taste of the fresh hot confectionary delight that is mini-donuts. I cannot stress this enough. Mini-Donuts are awesome.




This got me thinking about other products that are not available in sufficient numbers in keeping with their tastiness. I mean, french fries are everywhere and in most cases they aren't very good french fries. Same with hot dogs, burgers, and pizza. Yet, mini-donuts are only available in very special locations. What else are we missing out on?



Have you ever tried lime cookies? Have you had them often? Exactly! What's up with that? They are delicious yet you can't buy them anywhere. Pssst... I recently found some in Costco. How about good quality tea. We've had tea for centuries. You can buy good coffee in the grocery store, but the tea bags, well they are the equivalent of frozen french fries instead of fresh cut and deep fried potatoes.



Do you know they make Pineapple Crush in Hawaii, but not here. I mean it's artificial flavour isn't it and even if it's not, we get the pineapples here fresh or in cans so why can't we get it as a carbonated beverage? Let me assure you it is quite tasty. And what's the deal on fudge? Why is it mostly available in tacky tourist locations? It's pretty good stuff. Why is there no fudge display in the candy isle at the grocery store? Why doesn't fudge rate, but chocolate bars, jelly beans, and licorice do?

Mr. Bug, Bug, Mr. Annoying Bug, Please Fly Away from Me.

I went camping this week and enjoyed the great outdoors. The great outdoors sure has a lot of bugs though. The price to pay I suppose, but they sure can be annoying. Particularly the mosquitoes. I tried using "Off" for the first time and it is true that this kept the bugs off of me. I don't think I got more than a couple bites, but it didn't keep them away from me. The damn mosquitoes just hovered around me with their incessant high pitched whining trying to figure out what to do.

The thing I don't understand is why if we humans are so enticing to the mosquitoes, why are the mosquitoes living out in the woods? Why aren't they in the big cities where they can get their fill of human blood? Or are humans out in the woods like bacon near a vegetarian. Not something that's part of their regular diet, but difficult to resist when placed in front of them?

What if We Just Tweeked this a Little?

I'm a big believer in modifying rules to improve a game. I think I developed this in my youth when I used to make up games, such as backyard baseball, and my brother would find loopholes in the rules and I'd have to make up new rules. From his perspective and anyone else who has played with me, I make up rules as I go along. But really any new rules are in response to perceived flaws in the game. I organized a very successful weekly pick-up flag football game in which we developed the rules over time and ended up with a pretty darn good set. Same with a mini-golf tournament I organize. Yeah, that's right, mini-golf.

In this context there are two things to know about me. Firstly, when I watch a sport or game, I am often thinking of ways it could be made better. Secondly, I don't understand the reasoning that says you can't mess with the rules of the game. So with this in mind you can imagine my frustration as I watch the World Cup. Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying these contests. The problem is that if you ask me, there are a lot of things that could be done to make soccer better.

First off let's fix the obvious problem. The timing. What's with the delay tactics at the end of the game. Soccer, unlike most timed sports (basketball, football, hockey, lacrosse) does not use stop time. The clock just keeps running and if a team is ahead they can take their sweet time putting the ball in play. This seems ludicrous. Easy fix on this one. Soccer should use the Canadian Football League's approach. Use run time until the last five minutes (or three or six or whatever) and then go to stop time. While they are at it, they should ditch this whole injury time thing. Why can't the referee just stop the clock when there is an injury or delay of some kind like would happen in any other sport? It's not that difficult.

Fixing the timing would make the game more fair. Now we just need to give the offence a better chance to score. Open it right up. Who needs 1-0 games determined by some fluke play. This is where soccer should adopt hockey's blue line. Get rid of the attack-preventing offside rule and say that players are onside as long as the ball goes over the 25 yard line (or 35 or whatever) before they do. Now that would create some serious scoring opportunities.

Finally, I think something needs to be done about all the fouls. Not sure what to do here, but I think maybe the penalty for a trip or shin hack is not enough. Sure if you do it near your own goal a free kick against you can be costly, but in most cases it is no big deal. The ref gives out those cute yellow and red cards (a system that could be useful in other sports) if it is flagrant, but for the most part players are getting hacked down and there is no real price to pay for doing it. Perhaps players should foul out like in basketball or have to go to a penalty box like hockey. If it was up to me, a player would have to run one full lap of the field after a penalty before they could come back into play. That would be fun.

I can hear the purists cursing and howling at me. But to you I say two words. Forward Pass! Those used to be illegal in football you know.

This is my 19th post, so my goal of 52 for the year is in serious jeopardy. It's looking more like 40. Who knows, maybe there will be a rush of inspiration this summer. Feel free to email me your suggested topics (if you know me well enough to have my email).

Round Pegs Not Welcome

I went to a high school graduation ceremony last week. It was really long, but it was pretty good too. Harkened back to my own grad ceremony that I'm sure was not near as polished as this one was. We didn't get to wear the graduation gowns and caps and even though our valedictorian has gone on to be a successful actress, their valedictorian speech was a one act play compared to our obituary. No knock against our fine valedictorians who impressed me at the time, but these kids today are slick. The grad class even sang a song together. At my grad there was nothing I had to do but shake the principals hand and sit there and I screwed that up by wearing white socks with my suit that were clearly visible from the audience (how was I supposed to know this was wrong, I think all I had were white socks - regular readers will know of course that most of them were of the tube variety).

Anyhow there was one thing that kind of bugged me and I know these are just high school kids with their forgivable low confidence neurosis to deal with, so I say this knowing I shouldn't be expecting otherwise. The non-participant participant is a pet peeve of mine in any situation, and it stood out on this night. One particular individual who (and I'm sure there were others less visible) was sitting right smack in the middle was a particular standout. She not only decided she wouldn't wear the cap, but she made no effort at all to join in on the song.

Now maybe there was some religious objection to caps and songs that I am not aware of, however if you're going to show up to take part in an event then you should take part. If you don't want to wear the cap and sing the song and do the little choreographed entrance then maybe you should just give it a pass. If you're too hip to be square then take your round peg and hang out in some other hole.

Another thing that's changed at some point is graduation has changed from a one night event into a series of events that start in May and end in mid-June. There's prom (which we used to think was just some crazy American thing), the grad ceremony and dance (which I think is referred to as dry grad) and then Wet Grad (which I think is referred to as getting drunk). We used to have to do all that in one night. We had to change out of our suits mid-evening so we wouldn't spill our drinks on them.

And by "We", I mean the collective pronoun, because as you well know, Little Jackie Showers wasn't much of a drinker back in the day. Which is a good thing because studies show that high school binge drinking can impair the growth of your frontal cortex. And if you don't know what a frontal cortex is then shame on you for drinking so much in your high school years. However if you did so just to be a keen participate in the grad festivities then you are forgiven. Just that once.

I Can't Feel the Music

I like music. I enjoy listening to a song. I particularly like the use of music in film or in an end of the year or Olympic montage video. Sometimes it even makes me misty. But music doesn't speak to me and I am a poorer man for this.

Perhaps you don't know what I'm talking about or maybe you think, "Jack ole buddy, you're being too hard on yourself." Or if you know me well, maybe you're saying, "You got that right".

While I like music I know that it doesn't speak to me on the same level that it does many other people. People like you, or at least some of you. I know this in the same way that I know that baseball speaks to me in a way that it doesn't speak to most of you.

When I look around me and watch people interact with music, listen to music and talk about music I sense a connection that I just don't have. I've tried to deny this at times, but the evidence is clear. I have an iPod. It's a hand me down. What do I do with it? I listen to podcasts. Spoken word podcasts. I haven't even added or deleted a song since it was given to me. A few times I've listened to the songs that are on there, but I'd say less than 2% of the time I've used it so far has been for listening to music. In my car, I usually listen to talk radio. If I do listen to music it's usually because I like the DJ's witty banter on that station and I'm willing to wait for the songs to end. Woe is me.

But at least there is baseball. I feel baseball. It's just a game to most people and I dare say a boring game at that. Not to me. For me it is so much more than a game just like to a music person a song is so much more than just a song. Me, I used to sing my kids to sleep by singing. What did I sing? "Take Me Out to the Ball Game".

Apparently parades don't speak to many of you either as my follow up parade post didn't inspire any witty commentary. I would like to follow up the follow up with another update. I went to another parade today and like the one I saw earlier this parade season there were huge gaps at times in the parade. Gaps in a parade are not new, but they seemed to be much more common and bigger than I recall seeing in the past. I think this is emblematic of the general degradation of the structure and order in our society. Nobody has any respect for parade marshalls anymore, just like every other authority figure. In fact as near as I can tell, the parade marshall job is either gone by the wayside or changed. Used to be they travelled up and down the parade and put a stop to any poor parading and fixed those gaps. Now they are nowhere to be seen. Shame on us as a society for allowing such a travesty.

The Parade Update Post

Hello parade fans, I have been to see for myself the state of parental blockage on the marching band front. Yes, I attended the 112th Victoria Day parade in our fair city along with an estimated record crowd of 65,oo0. If that estimate is to be believed then about one in five Victorians came out to watch what is a spectacle that may not be so bad as to be "ridiculous", as one loyal reader has tagged it, but is less than awe-inspiring.

However, the marching bands are fun to watch and do inspire. The youth giving it their all to put on a show is always great to see. I know for a fact that one other loyal reader who poo-poos parades is a big fan of high school musicals. I think the marching bands and musicals have some of the same positive characteristics. Enough about debating the merits of the parade itself though, as the real argument is why the heck are parents out there getting in the way of their children's performance?

I watched a good dozen U.S. bands and three Canadian ones go by on Monday. I am happy to report that the Canadian bands had no noticeable parental escorts. The U.S. bands too were mostly escort free. I did see one band that had at the back of the band a group of about fifteen parents, dressed in the same colours as the band and marching in step with the band while carrying water for when it was needed. While I still argue this is unnecessary, at least this was a cute way of dealing with it and didn't involve blocking the view.

There were two bands that had parents walking alongside and obstructing the crowd's view and enjoyment of their band. One band in fact stopped in front of me, so did one of the parents and there she stood directly in front of me as the band played. I mean she wasn't fat or anything so I could see most of the band, but still it was not very aesthetically pleasing. You've got these bands all gussied up in their marching uniforms to look sharp and here's this mom in a t-shirt and jeans standing between them and the audience with her water bottle at the ready. Now that's ridiculous.

Meanwhile, the 85 year old guy carrying the flag as part of the Canadian Legion marching group grinds it out to the end without any water at all. I guess that guy's mom is a neglectful parent.